But… I’m broken and I have burdens so heavy that I even hate my own thoughts, most of the time. I don’t want to reach out to anyone directly, so I sometimes come here and vent. Often I just go to my online support groups and sometimes interact or I visit The Mighty and read through stories about people who have mental health issues or have faced tragedies like my own and I just don’t speak. Sometimes all I do is cry. Sometimes I don’t want to speak with anyone. Sometimes I don’t need to. Sometimes I do, I suppose. Sometimes I feel so completely alone. A few things that remain constant are my grief, my pain, my burdens, my mental illnesses, and my feeling that I cannot just start a new dialogue with someone about how I’m feeling on any given day because I feel like *I’m* a constant burden. My troubles don’t really improve so talking with me is surely exhausting. I opt out of reaching out to people on a regular basis.
No matter how many times someone says, “I’m here for you. You can call or text me any time,” it is very unlikely that I will. I know this is exhausting. It’s been 5 months and 11 days since I lost Jas, and I am still a fucking wreck. It’s not ending and I am still struggling, terribly, more days than I am not, so I am sorry, but I need more than just “I’m here for you.”
I’m feeling like this life isn’t one worth living and no matter how much I hear and I know that my daughter needs me, I feel like more of a burden to everyone who loves me than a blessing to anyone who knows me.